How to Handle Difficult Conversations
It’s the bit of the job that no one likes right? Its nice being a manager when all’s going smoothly – the team are working well, delivering and all getting along. But occasionally you know these situations are going to crop up and addressing difficult topics can often fill people with dread.
Whether it’s about performance, behaviour, personal hygiene, or something more serious, the urge to avoid them is very real. But here’s the truth: avoiding difficult conversations doesn’t make them go away and in fact it often makes things worse.
Handled well, these conversations can build trust, create clarity, and genuinely shift things forward. Handled badly (or not at all) they fester, spread, and drag everyone down with them.
No one likes receiving negative feedback. I honestly believe that most people want to come to work and do a good job, so to be told there’s a problem isn’t a nice message to receive (or deliver). You’d be surprised how often managers will delay this for fear of conflict, not wanting to upset someone, or even thinking that if they ignore the issue it will magically right itself and/or go away!
What actually happens when issues are avoided are that they can escalate to bigger problems, cause confusion, give off mixed messages regarding expectations, lead to team resentment and even create legal risk for the business.
So, how do you tackle them with confidence and sensitivity? Here's our guide to doing it like a pro.
Step 1 - Prepare for your discussion
Before you speak, be really clear in your head:
Why does this conversation need to happen?
What do you want the outcome to be?
What does success look like here?
You’re not going in to vent. You’re going in to help. So focus on the change you want to see.
By all means make some notes for your meeting of what you want to cover but try to avoid a script. You don’t want to be reading – you want to focus on the discussion.
Use examples of situations where you have witnessed poor behaviour or performance etc. Focus on facts not feelings.
Also try to view this from the other person’s perspective.
· How do you think they will feel receiving this feedback?
· How do you think they may react?
· How would you want someone to position this message with you – or a close member of your family if they were in that situation?
Step 2 – The Discussion
Where and how you speak to the person are important. A quick chat tagged onto the end of a discussion about the weather will really play down the severity of the situation so arrange a meeting specifically for this. It should be private, distraction free and ideally face to face.
Please don’t open with 15 minutes of small talk. Be kind but be direct and stick to the facts. Talk about impact. Focus on behaviour, not personality. And then stop talking — give the other person space to respond. It might be awkward. That’s okay. You may not be able to make it comfortable, but you can make it constructive.
You could start with something along the lines of “I need to raise something that may be uncomfortable, but it’s important we talk about it” or “I’ve noticed a few things that I think we need to work through together.”
Also think about your body language, tone and the words that you use.
Sit forwards
Make eye contact
Use plain – but kind language. The ideas isn’t to confuse someone by beating around the bush but likewise you don’t need to be so blunt that it comes across as rude
Stay on-topic
Avoid blame — focus on behaviour and impact
Allow space for a response
Don’t be afraid of silence
Make sure you have plenty of time so no one feels rushed. You don’t know exactly how the person will react and chances are they’re not expecting this conversation so give them time to compose themselves and consider how they may want to respond.
Step 3 – Agree a plan
Don’t communicate your message and then rush out of the room as soon as you can. Everyone needs clarity around what’s been discussed and what the next steps are to try and change or improve things.
Summarise what was discussed
Confirm what has been agreed
Make a plan for what happens next
Book a follow-up date/time (if needed)
Depending on the nature of the conversation will depend on how much detail of the discussion you need to record. This may be by making a note on your HR Information System or simply sending a follow up email setting out the points you discussed and resulting actions, with agreed dates, so everyone is clear. It’s not a problem to encourage the employee to feedback on your email if they believe you haven’t captured something correctly or missed something out that was discussed.
In summary, handling difficult conversations isn’t about having the perfect script — it’s about creating an environment of respect, clarity, and care.
By preparing thoroughly and sensitively, managing emotions in the moment, and focusing on understanding rather than “winning,” you can turn challenging discussions into opportunities for stronger relationships and better outcomes.
FAQs
“1. So what do I do if they burst into tears or start shouting?”
You’ve just given someone some negative feedback of some description so there are lots of emotions that could present themselves in the meeting – upset, anger, surprise, confusion – so you kind of need to be prepared for them all.
If someone gets upset, have some tissues ready and just give them some time to compose themselves. You can offer a short adjournment but unless they are extremely emotional it’s not necessarily a reason to adjourn the meeting to another day – that will just put things off.
Likewise, people may be shocked or angry so give them a moment to compose themselves but then continue. Stay calm.
Explain that whilst you realise this can be a difficult message to hear, you’re here to help and support them as needed however this conversation does need to happen.
“2. What if they just shut down and won’t talk?”
Sometimes silence is louder than shouting. It’s common for people to retreat when they feel cornered or uncomfortable.
If they go silent, again, stay calm and try to encourage them to participate in the discussion using open questions.
Maybe offer a short break so they can gather their thoughts and reconvene.
Explain you can reschedule to another day but this conversation does need to happen and ask them what their view is on the issue you have presented to try start the conversation flowing.
“3. What if we don’t agree at the end of the conversation?”
That can happen! It’s important to remember that not every difficult conversation ends with full agreement — and that’s okay.
The real success lies in creating space where both people feel heard and respected. Sometimes the outcome is providing greater clarity about each other’s perspectives, even if you don’t see eye to eye. That clarity can still move things forward, because it reduces assumptions. Aim for understanding first, agreement second. If agreement isn’t possible right now, focus instead on defining clear next steps or boundaries so that everyone knows where they stand.